How It Feels from the Periphery

There are times when I feel that I may suffer from a mild social disorder. I’m not a shut in or anti-social (at least I don’t think I’m anti-social), but I definitely prefer to keep my own company over the company of most others.  I’m not afraid of them, or think I’m better than them, or that they are better than me; it’s just I’m comfortable being with just myself.  I have some close to me that view me as a wall flower or a person who doesn’t really like people, and I give off this heir of superiority to others when I just don’t associate with them.  That’s not the case at all.

It’s a weird place to be in and even more odd to try to explain. I keep most thoughts to myself and don’t volunteer much in commentary.  I can’t help but feel that most of the time people talk there isn’t really worth much to discuss, it’s all just lip service for the most part.  The other times I keep to myself because I doubt very much that people are generally interested in what I would have to say.  I’m not rude to anyone and I’ll listen all day long.  But yes, I believe that most of the time people are just talking for the sake of talking or going on about something that they really should have outgrown in grade school.  Either way, I remain quiet.

So here I am alone in the middle of a crowd and most everyone views me as a elitist know-it-all who would rather be anyplace but here. I still have an opinion, I still feel, and yes things matter to me too.  I’ve tried to push myself out of my usual self but I feel like I’m pretending and it’s not fair to anyone else if I present someone who is just being fake for the sake of social convention.  Don’t most people hate that?

I don’t want to go without human connection and I very much want to be included in what’s going on. You can see how it’s a weird place to be in.  Wanting to be part of the group but not really being able to navigate it like you want to.  That’s about the best way I can describe it.  There are times when it gets lonely, but they aren’t overwhelming.  There are too many people out there for me the only one who feels like this, but if they are like me, they probably wouldn’t voice their concern on the matter.  So we go unnoticed.

So I wrote all this to say what? Well, nothing as a way of a solid conclusion or an idea for a remedy, but more just to share how it feels.

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