The State of Things

I have been stirred

Content with how things were I went on just as I was

Going from moment to moment, making plans

I felt as if my head was down, not seeing things around me, not knowing

My inner voice would try to speak but I’d pack it down so far in the dark

All I could hear was a soft echo

I felt fine

 

In an unexpected turn I tried to put pen to paper and try my hand

Words were a medium I had played in but they were always someone else’s

Writers, authors, playwrights, singers, and songwriters had lent me their voices

Shared their joy, bled their pain, drank their sorrow

But it was never mine; I had never tried

I almost didn’t know what I had to say

 

All I needed was a word

One word became five

Five became fifty and soon I couldn’t help but ramble

I’d speak to relive my mind of anger and frustration

Stories that I carried for years were made real

I could envision people coming together and what would transpire

Words, touch, passion, love, rejection, it all came out

 

I have been stirred

In putting these emotions in the world I had to bring them through the filter of my heart

My inner voice found his speech and he had plenty of time to think what he wanted to say

Diving headfirst into a sea of emotion that I could only tread through before was more than I was ready for

I heard songs that had played forever in my ears as if for the first time

Art and color sprang out of everything around me

Moved by nothing else than what I could empathize with it became overwhelming

 

I began to see the truths of myself that I didn’t want to acknowledge

Being passive and accommodating was no longer acceptable

I was hurt, angry, moved to tears, excited, happy

All. At. Once.

I wanted to cry for realization that I had missed out on so much

I could have felt this way for years

My biggest problem with others was that they didn’t feel, couldn’t emote, didn’t want to express or reveal to others what they really felt

I saw myself in them

I could manufacture something if I needed to but it was still false

Now that I’ve begun the floodgates cannot be shut

I don’t want them to be shut

I can’t go back

I want to hurt, bleed, sing, dance, fight, love

Things taste too good to go back to being bland

Things feel too good to just pass them by

I’ve become an addict to my own heart and I need to get high all the time

 

I am a new version of myself I do not quite know

I learn more every day

The shadow is gone

There is bright light, immense color, and endless darkness in me; I embrace it all

One day I will be able to be my new self to the rest of the world

Show this passion to others, unashamed

How or when, I don’t know

I’ll figure it out as I go

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